


dark paradise

by live_laugh_murder



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, First Kiss, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 05:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13630038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/live_laugh_murder/pseuds/live_laugh_murder
Summary: The most important moments in Thomas and Newt’s life together, told through newtmas songsOr, I wrote a fic based on my newtmas playlist and it might be my best work yet.





	dark paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So basically, I’ve had this playlist made for newtmas, and after seeing TDC again the other night I needed a way to take out my feelings. So this was created.
> 
> Also, I didn’t include all the songs in there, so if you’re interested in what other painful music reminds me of the boys, I’ll put them in the notes at the end.

_Past lives couldn’t ever hold me down_   
_Lost love is sweeter when it’s finally found_   
_I’ve got the strangest feeling_   
_This isn’t our first time around_   
_(Past Lives — BØRNS)_

Thomas walks down the hall, trying to avoid the eyes that are following him. Some are glaring, some of them begging for help, others are just giving up. As he nears the end of the line, he spots Minho and pauses, looking up at him.

“Minho,” he whispers.

He knows that he heard him. But Minho doesn’t move a muscle, just stares straight ahead with angry eyes.

A few people behind him is Newt. Precious Newt. He never wanted to hurt him. He can’t tell what’s going on in his mind. He doesn’t look angry. More scared. Sad.

Thomas glances around. No one is looking at him, and there are no WICKED employees in sight. They’re all at the front of the line, dealing with all sorts of procedures with the boys.

So before he loses the opportunity, Thomas grabs Newt’s hand, and pulls him, running away from the people. They turn a corner a few hallways away from everyone, and then he finally stops.

“Tommy, what are you doing?” Newt asks, looking around.

Thomas shakes his head, shrugging. “I’m sorry. You need to know that. I really am sorry. I just don’t know what to do.”

Newt nods. “I know. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Thomas argues. “Don’t try and make me feel better, okay? I just... I needed another goodbye.”

Newt is quiet for a moment. They both stand, fear and sadness in the air, until Newt grabs Thomas and kisses him.

Thomas wraps his arms around Newt tight, not wanting to let go. Finally they pull away, and Thomas feels like he’s missing something.

“This isn’t goodbye, Tommy,” Newt says. “I’ll see you again.”

Thomas shakes his head. “No you won’t. Your life is basically over.”

But Newt just shrugs. “Then I’ll see you in my next one.”

-

 _I know this whole damn city think it needs you_  
But not as much as I do  
(The Last of the Real Ones — Fall Out Boy)

Newt paces around, limping back and forth. Standing by the east wall, he looks around nervously, biting his bottom lip. _Where is he?_

Finally, Thomas jogs over, nodding at him. “Hey, Newt.”

“Where have you been?” Newt asks quickly.

“We just got back from the Maze, calm down. We lost track time with the sun missing and all that.”

Newt huffs. “Keep an eye on your watches, then. What the bloody hell were you thinking?”

Thomas nods. “Okay, okay. I’m safe now. Chuck said you were looking for me. What did you — “

“I wanted to talk to you about this plan you have to escape.”

Thomas sighs. “Great, you too? What, you wanna stay here with Gally now?”

Newt rolls his eyes, watching as Thomas leans up against the wall. It’s amazing how casual he’s become over the span of just a few days. Although he supposes everyone gets used to their new life at some point. “No,” he answers. “I wanna get out of this bloody place. But I need to know that you are sure this is going to work.”

“Well, no one can ever be completely sure.” Thomas hesitates, sighing. “I... Some people are going to get hurt, you know? But there’s a way to make sure as little people get hurt as possible.”

“And what would that be?”

Thomas nods. “Well, the grievers have just been taking one person a night, right? So if that pattern is going to continue, maybe we only need one more person to get hurt before we can shut this down for good.”

Newt is quiet for a moment before the realization hits him. “And you wanna sacrifice yourself. No.”

“Sorry, but it’s not your call to make,” Thomas argues, pushing himself up from the wall and standing up straight. “Besides, like I said. It’s my fault we’re all in here. Why shouldn’t I be the one to die?”

“Oh, stop trying to be the bloody hero!” Newt says, raising his voice.

Thomas scoffs. “I’m not! But people are counting on — “

“I need you too, Tommy!” Newt exclaims, and it’s silent. It feels like all the gladers are staring at them, but there’s no one around.

“What?” Thomas asks.

Newt pauses, not sure how to put this all into words. “I don’t... I don’t know what it is... I just... I feel like I know you.”

Thomas’s eyes widen, and he looks like he’s about to choke in surprise. “Wait, what? I look familiar to you?” He steps closer. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

But Newt shakes his head, pulling Thomas even closer so he can talk quieter. “No, no, you don’t _look_ familiar at all. But the... the feeling I get from you. That’s what’s familiar.”

“What... What feeling?”

Newt takes a moment to think. “Um... trust? Something like that. Like... like I’ve trusted you before.”

Newt can see Thomas processing it all. Probably trying to find some sort of familiarity in him deep down. Finally he glances to where all the gladers are working, then back to Newt, looking determined. “If you know you can trust me, then trust me. Let me do this.”

For some reason, Newt thinks that Thomas is about to walk away from him. Leave it at that and not say another word. So even though he doesn’t make a move to leave, Newt grabs his hand and shakes his head. “No, just listen...” he sighs. “You give them hope,” he says, motioning over to the gladers. “Much more than I’ve been able to in all these years. They need you, but... so do I, Tommy.”

Thomas just stares at him, looking dumbfounded. He looks down at their hands, neither of them making a move to pull away. “I don’t know what to...”

Then Newt makes a big move. He tightens his grip on Thomas’s hand and pulls him closer, closing the gap between them and kissing him gently.

-

 _You knew you had a reason_  
It killed you like diseases  
I can hear it in your voice while you’re speaking — you can’t be treated

 _Sick of screaming let us in_  
The wires got the best of him  
(Wires — The Neighbourhood)

“Do you think he’s okay?” Thomas asks quietly, staring across the room at Newt. He’s sitting alone on a couch, scowling and staring down at his hands.

Minho shrugs. “I don’t know, man. But I’m scared.”

Suddenly Newt looks up. “Maybe you should be.”

Thomas jumps slightly, taken aback. He didn’t think he would be able to hear them. “What?”

“I have the bloody virus. There’s nothing we can do about it. And I’m gonna turn into a murderous crazy shank. So yeah, you should be scared.”

Thomas shakes his head. “Hey, don’t talk like that. I told you. We’re gonna figure something out. We have time before...” But he can’t finish his sentence.

Newt quickly gets to his feet. “Stop trying to lie to yourself, Thomas!”

Stunned for a moment, Thomas stands up. He’s sure Brenda and Jorge will be able to hear this from wherever they are on the berg. “What are you talking about?”

“I can _feel_ myself going crazy! There’s nothing you can do about it. The sooner you accept that the less it’ll hurt when I’m gone.” He just sort of stands there for a minute, his ragged breathing the only sound in the room. Finally, he turns and storms out.

Thomas does his best not to break down right there. The sound of Newt’s voice. So angry, almost crazed. He’s never seen him like that. He wants to reach in his pocket and just read the note Newt gave him a couple hours ago. When is he supposed to know when the right time is?

“Should I...” Minho gestures toward the door he went out of.

Thomas shakes his head. “No, I’ll go.” He goes after Newt, searching the berg until he finds him sitting outside of a storage room, his back against the door and his knees pressed into his chest. His arms are resting on his knees, and Thomas knows that the way he’s rubbing his palm and forearm means something is really wrong.

“I’m fine, Tommy,” Newt grumbles, not even looking up.

“Obviously not.” Thomas takes a seat next to Newt, their sides and arms touching lightly. He glances over at Newt’s hand tugging at his sleeve. “Can I see?”

Newt pauses. But he moves his arm over, and Thomas rolls up the sleeve.

The sickly dark veins popping out against the skin terrify him. But Thomas just stares at it for a few seconds before hesitantly running his thumb over it, then looking up at Newt. “I love you. You know that, right?”

Newt only nods.

“Good,” Thomas replies. “As long as you remember that.” He finally pulls Newt’s sleeve back down, then leans in and kisses him. When he pulls away, he sighs. “You gotta talk to someone, Newt.”

“What do you mean?”

Leaning back up against Newt, he takes his hand into his own. “You need to let someone in. Just keeping all of your shit inside and letting it build up, that’s just gonna make things worse. Please just let us in.”

Newt shrugs. “There’s nothing to say, Thomas. I have the Flare. That’s all there is to it.”

Huffing in frustration, Thomas shakes his head. “You know what I mean. I don’t even care if it’s not me. Talk to Minho, or Brenda, or Jorge. Cause if you don’t try, then you’re just giving up. And I can’t let you do that.”

“Why not?” Newt asks. “Why not just give up on me? It’s gonna happen eventually.”

“Well, you never let me give up,” Thomas answers. “So why would I let you?”

-

_I got weak and I’m sick of speaking  
So hear me out, you’re the cure. Or something more._

_I know you think I’m safe and sound._  
I’m not.  
(Why Do You Feel So Down? — Declan McKenna)

They stopped in a clearing to figure out a game plan. It feels so nice to be in the fresh air again, and Thomas decides to lie down on the grass. He could almost fall asleep. Except he slept too much on the berg, and he’s much too worried about so many other things to relax. But he can always try.

Newt glances over, walking away from Brenda when he sees Thomas lying on the ground. “You look so peaceful, Tommy,” he comments. And he lies right down next to him, reaching over and loosely holding his hand.

“I don’t feel peaceful,” Thomas replies.

Chuckling, Newt nods. “Yeah, it’s kinda hard to relax in our lives. I can’t wait until this is all over.”

Then he sighs, trying to zone everything out. But it’s hard when he can’t help but overhear the conversation between Brenda, Jorge, and Minho.

“It’s a safe zone. From the virus. They won’t let any cranks in,” Jorge states.

“He’s not a crank yet!” Minho exclaims.

“Yes he is, _hermano_. He’s just not past the Gone yet.”

Newt can’t just sit there. He needs to say something. So he stands, vaguely aware of Thomas getting up with him. “Hey. Slintheads. I’m still here. You don’t need to talk in private about me.”

Brenda sighs. “If we’re going in there, Newt, you can’t come.”

Thomas looks at him nervously. He’s trying to prepare himself for another breakdown. He waits.

And waits.

But nothing happens.

Newt just lets out a long breath, nodding. “Fine. That’s fine. I’ll wait on the berg, you just come back as soon as you can.” Without another word, he quickly kisses Thomas and heads back into the berg.

“Um... is he okay?” Minho asks, everyone taken aback by the calmness.

“I’ll be right back,” Thomas announces, following Newt.

He finds him in that one sitting room, with couches and chairs. He’s sitting on the couch, holding his palm in his other hand, eyes closed and his mouth moving slightly. Thomas can’t make out any sound, though.

“Are you alright?”

Jumping a bit. Newt opens his eyes again and nods. “I’m fine, yeah.”

Thomas takes a seat next to Newt. “Good. Uh... that’s good. We kind of all thought you were gonna...”

“I almost did,” Newt responds quickly. “I almost... cranked out again. My... I started to get really angry again.”

“But you calmed yourself down?”

Shaking his head, Newt gently grabs Thomas’s hand and interlaces their fingers. “No. You did.”

Thomas pauses, confused. “I didn’t do anything.”

“No, but you...” Newt huffs, as if preparing to explain it all. “You told me to - to remember that you love me. That everything is okay, as long as I know that?” Thomas nods, and he continues. “So... Whenever I start to get angry — which is a lot — I just tell myself that. I — I think about you, and how much I care about you and I just remind myself that you do love me, and it just... I don’t know, somehow it calms me down.”

Thomas just really wants to cry after that. “I love you so much.”

Newt can’t help but smile a bit, the first genuine smile he’s had in a long time, and he leans over and kisses Thomas.

It’s refreshing. He feels better than he has in a long time, like he can take on anything. As long as Thomas is by his side.

But when they pull away, Thomas looks sad.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just... I really, really wish there was a cure for you.”

Newt shakes his head, pulling Thomas’s hand up to his mouth and kissing it, then leaning over and kissing his lips softly. “You’re my cure, Tommy,” he whispers. “I don’t need anything but you.”

This time it’s Thomas’s turn to grin. He swings his legs over, so each one is on either side of Newt, and he holds his face in his hands, and kisses him.

Their lips move against each other’s for a while, and they just stay there, completely content with just each other.

Finally Newt pulls away, sighing. “I am scared, though. I... I don’t wanna be alone.”

Before Thomas can reply, they hear a banging on the outside of the berg, then Jorge yelling, “We gotta go, hermano!”

Getting to his feet, Thomas sighs. He takes Newt’s hands into his own, helping him stand up too before pecking his lips. “You’re gonna be okay. You’re safe here,” he promises before running out.

Oh, how wrong he was.

-

 _I’ll leave you one last kiss on your pillow_  
Before I fly away  
We knew from the beginning  
That this wasn’t never-ending

 _What are you waiting for?_  
Cause someone could love you more.  
(LOST BOY — Troye Sivan)

The Crank Palace is a terrifying place. But Thomas powers through. They have to find Newt.

“What are you doing here?” A familiar voice comes from the side.

Thomas spins, finding Newt standing, arms crossed, in front of a lane of a bowling alley. He looks so much worse. Hair messy, eyes sunken, veins darker around his neck and cheeks. But he’s obviously not past the Gone yet. So he tries to hold onto some hope.

Thomas smiles softly, stepping forward. “We came to get you. We’re bringing you back. Come on.”

Newt doesn’t do anything for a few moments. But when he finally moves, it’s not what Thomas was expecting. “Just get out of here,” he says, clearly angry. He won’t even look at them, just staring at the ground.

Minho scoffs. “We’re not leaving you. Just stop being a stubborn shank and let’s go.”

“I said no. Get out.”

Thomas steps up again, reaching out for Newt, but the other boy steps away. “Newt... What are you doing?”

Finally Newt’s head snaps up, and he glares into Thomas’s eyes. “I don’t wanna be around you, Thomas. I can’t even look at you. You were supposed to be my friend, and now you just come here and... and try to... I can’t believe you would have the nerve to come here. Get out.”

Jorge and Brenda stand uncomfortably behind them, but Thomas continues to shake his head, tears welling up in his eyes, a lump in his throat. “What?” He’s so confused. He’s just trying to help.

“Do you want me call my friends to throw you out, or can you find the exit yourself?” Newt asks, glancing around at all the cranks in the place. A threat. _He’s threatening them._

But still, Thomas stands his ground. “I’m not leaving without you. That’s not how we do things. So come on.”

Jorge puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s time to go, hermano. It’s too late. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m not — “

But Minho nods, biting his bottom lip and trying to hold back tears. “Let’s just go... Goodbye, Newt.”

Minho has to put his arm around Thomas and basically pull him away from Newt, while Thomas just stares back in sadness.

“That’s not... It’s not fair, this can’t just be the... It can’t just end like that,” Thomas insists, looking over at Newt as they walk.

Minho just lets silent tears fall. “I know...”

Thomas glances back, trying to get one last look at Newt, but he’s gone from the spot they were standing in. And when he looks around more, he spots him on the other side of the alley, slipping between cranks and into a room.

“Hold on,” Thomas says, stopping in his tracks.

“Thomas, we gotta go,” Brenda says, trying to take his hand to lead him out.

But Thomas shakes his head. “Go ahead. I’ll meet you outside.”

And with that, he turns and walks away, ignoring the calls after him.

He avoids people as best he can, slipping around them, between them, until he gets to the room. The sign on the door tells him it’s a bathroom, and he goes right through the door.

It’s so much quieter in here. Very dirty. But quieter. Almost peaceful.

When he turns the corner, he finds Newt. Leaning over the sink, hands gripping the edge of the counter tight, staring into a dirty mirror angrily.

Newt looks up, and the minute he meets Thomas’s eyes, he explodes. Turning around, he shoves Thomas away. “I told you I didn’t want to see you!”

“I don’t believe you.”

There’s not even a second of hesitation before Newt brings his fist down on Thomas’s jaw. Pain explodes in his face, but he just takes a deep breath and looks back up.

“I love you.”

Newt moves to hit him again, but stops, breathing raggedly. The sound of his breath is even scary. Not human.

Thomas takes a deep breath. “I love you, remember? You tell yourself that to calm down. And you love me. Come on, Newt. Can you hear me? I love you. _I love you_. I love you so much.”

“You couldn’t even... I thought you were my friend.”

“What?” Thomas asks. “I was. I am. What are you — “

“You need to leave,” Newt interrupts. “Just go. I never wanna see your face again.”

Thomas has to choke back tears, standing strong still. “Please, Newt. It can’t end right now.”

Newt shrugs. “We always knew it would end sooner or later.”

“I love you,” Thomas says, completely broken.

This time Newt actually steps toward him. “I love you too. But not as much as I should. There’s someone who could be so much better for you than I am. So go find them.”

“I don’t want to. I want you.  _Please_ , I just found you.”

“I didn’t want to be found.”

It feels like hours before Thomas can force himself to turn away and even take one step. And when he finally does, Newt just pulls him right back, slamming their lips together.

Thomas’s hands fly up to Newt’s face, fingers running over his sickly veins as their lips move against each other’s. He doesn’t bother to wipe away his own tears, just never wanting this moment to end.

But of course, it does.

Newt pulls away, then nods once. “I just needed that one more time. Now get out.”

-

 _Oh no, this isn’t how our story ends_  
So hold me tight  
Hold me tight or don’t  
(HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T — Fall Out Boy)

Thomas almost just walks away. He turns, reaches out for the door, but stops. He freezes, and when he moves again, he quickly turns back and runs over to Newt, wrapping his arms around him.

Burying his face in Newt’s neck, Thomas shuts his eyes tightly. “I don’t wanna leave you.”

Unexpectedly, Newt holds Thomas right back, nodding. “You have to, Tommy. It’s safer for you.”

“I know you. You’re not a danger to me, Newt,” Thomas mutters, still refusing to let go.

“Not yet. But I will be. Before you know it, I’ll be a crazy shank trying to kill everything in sight.”

But Thomas shakes his head. He can’t handle the thought of that. “Please just come with me. Don’t leave me.”

“You have to go now.”

“No.”

“Tommy, leave.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Cause you’re still holding me.”

So Newt starts to pull away, but Thomas only tightens his grip. “No, don’t let go.”

Newt has always been stronger than him, though. He pulls away, pushing Thomas back. “Just get out. Now, before I lose my fucking mind.”

-

 _I would like to leave this city_  
This old town don’t smell too pretty  
And I can’t feel the warning signs  
running around my mind  
And when I leave this island  
I book myself into a soul asylum  
I can feel the warning signs  
Running around my mind  
(Half the World Away — Aurora)

Newt watches as the door swings closed. He wants so badly to just go after Thomas, to hold him and never let go. But he’s alone. And he’ll be alone until the end.

He really shouldn’t feel like this. He shouldn’t want to be with Thomas again. He should be angry. He _is_ angry. Thomas couldn’t even do one thing for him?

Newt has never asked anything of Thomas, and the one thing he does want him to do, he doesn’t. Did Thomas even read the letter?

 _Thomas_. Just the thought of him. He doesn’t want to think about it. How he’s selfish, only doing things for himself, never what needs to be done. How it’s his fault — all of this. He built the maze, he created the hell that they lived in for years. But Newt doesn’t want to think about that. He wants to tell himself that Thomas is amazing and selfless and heroic and nothing — _nothing_ — could ever ruin what they had. But that’s not true.

He doesn’t even notice that he can’t feel his hands until he unravels his fists, curled up at his sides. “Calm down. Calm down...” Newt mutters to himself, taking shaky breaths. He remembers his method of calming down, and tries it.

 _He loves you_ , Newt thinks to himself. _Tommy loves you. You love Thomas._

It’s not working. He tries again, this time saying it out loud.

“I love him... He loves me...”

But somehow it only makes the itch in the back of his head worse, stronger. His hands fly up and he pulls at his hair, screaming through his teeth.

“ _He loves me... He loves me... He loves me..._ ”

For some reason he thinks back to all those times they were attacked by cranks. Back in the scorch. One of them tackled him, almost killed him. “Rose got my nose, I suppose” it had said. It repeated it over and over. Most of them had had something that they said over and over again. Maybe this would be Newt’s.

_He loves me. I love him. Tommy._

It’s a terrifying thought, picturing himself attacking some poor kid, repeating some weird catchphrase.

It’s strange, how the thought of the one person that had made him feel okay for so long, was now the one person pushing him over the edge. But it doesn’t matter, Newt supposes, what it is specifically that’s making him go mad.

He just knows this is the beginning of the end. He can feel it happening.

-

 _Why can’t I turn around and walk away,_  
go back in time?  
I had to turn around and walk away  
I couldn’t stay, I had to walk away

 _I’m left behind with an empty hole_  
And everything I am is gone  
I tried to reach for another soul  
So I can feel whole  
(I Went Too Far - Aurora)

He doesn’t even make it back to the berg before breaking down.

The others all have to pull him into an alley behind a shop, making sure no one is around so they don’t look too suspicious.

Thomas collapses against the brick wall, trying to hold himself up, but just giving up and leaning up against Minho. “What the hell are we doing?” Thomas asks, wiping his face. “We just — just left him there, why did we just — “

“We didn’t have a choice, Thomas,” Brenda says, trying to be reasonable. “If we had stayed any longer, it would have gotten ugly.”

He knows she’s right, but he really doesn’t want to admit that. So he shakes his head and tries to get his balance again, lightly pushing Minho away. “No, I have to go back. He needs me.” But Thomas and everyone else knows it’s not just that. Thomas needs Newt.

Minho grabs Thomas’s hand, stopping him from moving away and pulling him back. “You know you can’t do that. I miss the shank just as much as you do, Thomas, but... it’s too late to go back now. We gotta go.”

“No!” Thomas exclaims, shoving Minho back. “I’m not just leaving him in that — that place. Come with me or don’t, but I’m going.”

“Thomas!” Minho shouts, going after him. He steps in front of, him putting his hands on his friend’s shoulders. “You can’t go back, okay? He... He doesn’t want you to. He made that clear.”

Thomas shakes his head. “He’s not in his right mind, Minho. He doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know — “

“He’s not in any mind!” Minho says, raising his voice. “He’s going crazy! He’s losing his mind, Thomas, and there’s nothing you can do anymore!”

But somehow Thomas continues to shake his head. He can’t accept that. “No... No, he’s not, he’s... There’s still time...”

“No there isn’t. We’re out of time.”

Face contorting in agony, Thomas releases a loud sob, his knees buckling under him. Minho has to catch him and slowly lower him to the ground. Brenda tells Jorge to keep an eye out and rushes over, helping hold Thomas on the ground.

He’s on his knees, choking and heaving uncontrollably. He’s mostly relying on Minho, because he’s right in front of him, so he’s leaning on his chest. But he’s a bit lopsided, so Brenda is by his side, holding his hand, wiping away tears. Doing everything she can to help.

But really, what can they do? There’s no way to fix this, no way to make him feel better.

So they just sit there on the dirty ground, Minho letting tears fall silently as he hugs his best friend, Thomas choking and coughing out sobs, and Brenda watching them both sadly, tears in her own eyes, holding Thomas’s hand reassuringly. They stay there for the longest time, losing track of the minutes, until Thomas can stand on his own, and then they start their trek back to the berg. No one says a word.

By the time they step into the berg, Thomas has completely calmed down. He can breath normally now, and his face is dry. Now he just feels empty. Broken. Like this huge part of him is missing, which, he guesses, it is. Now it’s just been replaced by a dark, hopeless abyss.

He sits against the door to the storage room for some privacy.

But as he slides down to the floor, he hears something. A crinkle. A paper crumpling.

With a jolt, he remembers the envelope in his back pocket. How could he have forgotten? Quickly, he takes it out, rips open the envelope.

The paper is folded up inside, and he’s terrified to unfold it. It’s probably two minutes before he makes himself do it, his heart beating fast, feeling like he might vomit. But he reads it, and he never forgets the words.

_Kill me. If you’ve ever been my friend, kill me._

And everything inside him breaks all over again.

-

 _He did it all to spare me from_  
The awful things in life that come  
And he cries and cries  
I know he knows that he’s killing me for mercy  
(Murder Song — Aurora)

“He loves me! Tommy loves me!”

Newt isn’t really sure how he got here. He doesn’t remember much, but he doesn’t care. All that matters is what’s right in front of him. A man, on the ground, already covered in his own blood, trying to scoot away from him.

The thought of this being wrong is barely in the back of Newt’s head anymore. All he wants to do is hit something. Claw at something. He can’t stop thrashing around, his limp more obvious than ever as he runs toward the man and pushes him into the ground.

“ _Tommy loves me!_ ” he repeats, his voice crazed and eyes wide. “ _He loves me_!”

The man screams in fear, and Newt continues to thrash around, fists and nails hitting his face. Now blood is covering Newt, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Somehow he notices a rock to the side though, and he absentmindedly grabs it. The man’s eyes, impossibly, widen even more. But Newt doesn’t have time to hear him scream before bringing the stone down on his head.

“Tommy loved me,” Newt says. “ _I loved him_.”

He hits the man’s skull again. And again.

He doesn’t stop until he hears a sound a few minutes later. Wheels coming to a stop. Then he sees headlights. They’re shining on him, and he squints as he stumbles to stand up.

He hears the voice before he sees the figure.

“Newt?”

It’s like the sound of his voice just sets something off in his mind, and Newt steps to the side so the light isn’t in his eyes. The sight of Thomas only makes him angrier.

“Come to apologize?”

Thomas steps forward. “Newt...” he says sadly.

“Get out of here,” Newt says threateningly.

“Come with us. We’ll figure something out for you.”

“Why would I trust you?”

Taking another step, Thomas shakes his head. “Of course you can trust me, Newt, I’m — “

“You were supposed to be my friend. And you couldn’t even do this one thing for me.”

Thomas sighs. “You can’t ask me to do that, Newt. I could never do that.”

Newt stays quiet for a moment, and his eyes drift to Thomas’s side, where he spots a gun holster sticking out from under his shirt. _Yes you could_ , he replies in his head.

Of course, it has to be now that Newt starts to gain some clarity. Why does this boy keep him so grounded? He can’t hate Thomas. He doesn’t want to do this. But he has to. So this time he forces himself to get angry, making himself explode like a ticking time bomb.

“Of course you couldn’t. Cause you only ever think about yourself,” Newt spits. “You’re selfish, Thomas. You only care about what you want.”

Thomas shakes his head. “Newt, what — “

“That’s why we ended up in this mess in the first place, isn’t it? You knew WICKED wasn’t good, but they gave you safety, so you built a maze to trap us in. This is all your fault.”

“I never meant to...”

Newt scoffs. “I don’t believe that for a bloody second. You knew these trials would kill us. You knew what would happen, didn’t you? But you went ahead and did them anyway. _What is wrong with you?_ ”

And as he asks that last question, he jumps, tackling Thomas to the ground, thrashing around once more. “This is your fault! You did this to me!” And the more he says it, the more he believes it.

Thomas screams, trying to push Newt back. But again, he’s always been the stronger of the two, so Thomas’s desperate shielding of himself doesn’t do much good against Newts fists. “Newt!” Thomas screams, throat raw. “ _Newt, please! Please! I’m sorry!”_

“Kill me!” Newt shouts.

“No, please!”

“Do it! _Kill me_! Kill me or I swear I’ll kill you.”

“I can’t!”

“ _Kill me before I become one of those things!_ ”

They both stop moving.

The cries escaping Thomas’s mouth break Newt’s heart, bringing him back to his senses. It hurts like hell seeing him like this, and he’s sure Thomas feels the same way. He’s not really sure when it happened but he notices that Thomas has reached for his gun, and it’s in his hand, lying on the ground.

And now he knows it’s the end. And he’s okay with it. He isn’t angry. Not at Thomas, anyway. He understands. He knows that he’s doing it for him, because he asked him to, because it’s better than living in this sorry excuse of a world. And it’s better than living the way he is now.

But he can see the hesitation in Thomas’s eyes still, the fear. So he makes himself relax, then takes Thomas’s face in his hands, leaning down and kissing him. He missed this. He wants to stay like this, to just leave with him. But he knows that if he does that, he’ll just end up hurting even more people. He can’t take that risk, especially not with Thomas.

Newt pulls away, his once more sane eyes looking directly into Thomas’s broken, desperate ones. “Please, Tommy. Please.”

Just a few more seconds.

He’s vaguely aware of the gun being lifted. Just barely registers the barrel of the gun touching his head.

He can only watch Thomas. His eyes. His mouth is moving, whispering. And Newt can’t hear it, but he can see the words forming. “I love you.”

“I love you, Tommy.” He doesn’t know if he says it out loud or not, but it doesn’t matter much. Thomas knows.

In the last second, Newt sees Thomas shut his eyes tight, tears falling to the ground as they close.

And then he hears the _bang_.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! Also let me know if you want my explanations for the rest of the playlist, and I can make another chapter that’s just the list of songs from my playlist so you can use it if you want to! Thanks for reading!
> 
> So Sad, So Sad by Varsity — it’s basically the bowling alley scene but even more from Thomas’s point of view. It would have been the same thing as the scene I already have, so I just used the one song for that.
> 
> Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie Clark — if you know this song, you know how painful it is. It just reminds me of how much these boys need and depend on each other, and just how much they mean to the other.
> 
> Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey — I used this for the title even though it wasn’t included, but it reminds me of Thomas in the Safe Haven. Everything is different without Newt, and he would keep seeing him and hearing his voice. It would be really difficult for Thomas without Newt.


End file.
